In 1992, Parker Bros. released The Grape Escape, a board game in which players move their pieces around a track. First one to the end wins. Yay!
The pieces that the players use are little blobs of purple, green, red, and yellow Playdoh that roughly resemble anthropomorphic grapes. Well, except for the pieces that AREN'T purple; the other pieces just look like... well, fat little Playdoh people.
So once you have your grape/Playdoh person molded and ready to go, you take turns going around a board that is supposed to be the conveyor belt of a jam factory, but looks more like something you'd see in one of the Saw movies.
This has got to be one of the most dangerous factories outside of Asia; I've never actually been to a jam factory, but I'd like to think they operate with a little more efficiency and a little less torture. Anyway, back to the game...
Players take turns rolling a die trying to get to the exit without being stomped, crushed, sliced, or sodomized.
Well, that's supposed to be the purpose of the game; but of course every kid playing wants to see clay and gore, even if it's from their own character. Invariably the game devolves into a genocide of miniature fatbodies, with everyone laughing hysterically when one of the poor souls gets sawed in two.
You may think that this is just a mindless, thoughtless, violent board game that teaches the players nothing. You'd be pretty much dead on with that assumption.
But I have to admit that this game showed me the amusement that God probably feels when watching his creations die in various grotesque ways.
In case you're curious as to how brutal the game is, just check out the commercial for it. Within the first 10 seconds, one grape is crushed by a gigantic rolling pin, one is cut in half with giant novelty-sized scissors, and another is stomped to death by a huge boot.
It makes me said to see what kids these days are missing out on.
[all pics courtesy of boardgamegeeks.com]
